I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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