Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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