I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Green mimosas i think yes
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
