You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
