capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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