I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
