I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I could have mohawked her pubes.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
