he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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