Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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