y did u give ur computer a hand job?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
the day after is always just damage control
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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