this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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