remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
