ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
