Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
