I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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