Your dad touched me again.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
