Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
