If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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