I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
