is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
