My hand turned me down
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
