I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
