Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
