Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
