its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
