The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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