no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
