There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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