Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
