She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
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