He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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