Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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