ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
