highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
