He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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