the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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