I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
