my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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