I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
