he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
