Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
