you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Terrible idea I love it
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
