So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
