So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Randomize
