I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
