I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
