well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
