She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
