College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
