Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
