Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
