so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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