jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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