Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
