shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
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