I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
