your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
