so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
