Is it normal to miss your booty call?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
