she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Randomize
